Friday, November 23, 2018
Streamy Poem
Choked
Despotic I lay in lame,
silently subduing,
gorilla arms make barbells
on my throat, in my halls.
Details
swimming like the salmon,
but they are all dieing,
scales are falling off and the
rivers are way too low.
Pulsing
intergalactic star light
feeding my insecurities
telling me whispering madness's
wincing at their truth beams before falling back to blackness
Can
I forgive the people who really judge me
vs not letting go of the hatred.
the only one who needs to accept
is the one voice in my head I can not control.
Control
always just missing
pressing the right buttons
once in awhile I get it just right
then I think about it too much
You
only one who brought me
edging on the precipice
makes me want to jump off
can you give me a reason?
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Downth and outh
Diary Reboot 1
How the hell is anyone supposed to save for anything? I thought living out of my van would cut down on expenses by paying less rent but even with food banks I still end up paying a lot of money monthly toward eating out. I go on trips and spend 100$ and it's devastating to my account. I pay 160$ a month for car insurance, 65$ for a storage unit, and 37$ for a gym membership. My bi-monthly pay check is usually 650$. That's working full time at a kitchen. 1300$ a month. That's like a lease option on a car. Jesus this is so impossible! I can't make a savings Unless I live a monk lifestyle, which I could if I lived in an environment that made me feel conducive to living a spartan life. But going out with friends and socializing is one of the few ways to relieve stress after work. And it's fun! I mean, I would save like 300$ a month if I only ate what I cooked (a total pain in the ass) and never went out.
Just seems so out of reach sometimes. Meanwhile it's getting colder every night and sleeping in my van is getting uncomfortable. I'm really ready to leave. I have about 30 days left to make money and get out of Dodge. I can not wait to leave. So excited to travel again and go live somewhere warm and isolated.
How the hell is anyone supposed to save for anything? I thought living out of my van would cut down on expenses by paying less rent but even with food banks I still end up paying a lot of money monthly toward eating out. I go on trips and spend 100$ and it's devastating to my account. I pay 160$ a month for car insurance, 65$ for a storage unit, and 37$ for a gym membership. My bi-monthly pay check is usually 650$. That's working full time at a kitchen. 1300$ a month. That's like a lease option on a car. Jesus this is so impossible! I can't make a savings Unless I live a monk lifestyle, which I could if I lived in an environment that made me feel conducive to living a spartan life. But going out with friends and socializing is one of the few ways to relieve stress after work. And it's fun! I mean, I would save like 300$ a month if I only ate what I cooked (a total pain in the ass) and never went out.
Just seems so out of reach sometimes. Meanwhile it's getting colder every night and sleeping in my van is getting uncomfortable. I'm really ready to leave. I have about 30 days left to make money and get out of Dodge. I can not wait to leave. So excited to travel again and go live somewhere warm and isolated.
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